for a sleepless night


I’m writing this because every time I think about Bucky Barnes, I always want to write something down. This character, James Buchahan “Bucky” Barnes, he inspires me more than anyone. For me, he is not only “a favorite character” but more than that.
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I’m more a MCU fan than a comic fan, because of the relationship Bucky shares with Steve. Bucky Barnes is a perfect man who is sweet to the core. He naturally has the instinct to protect people. He takes care of his family, his friends, all the people around him. This man is naturally full of love, and always shares it, particularly to the poor little post-serum Steve. That why Bucky means so much to Steve, and that why now Steve used all his warm feelings and loves his had to protect Bucky no matter what. More than childhood friends, they are family. Family protect each others. A kind of person like Bucky gives me so much hopes and positive feelings, and I kind of jealous with Steve. Everyone needs a friend like Bucky, but sadly not everyone lucky enough to have one.
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The story of the Winter Soldier tore my heart apart. It was more than “a story”, and the Winter Soldier was more than “a character”, but for me, a (I’m not sure about this word in English) “symbolism”. He represents those heroic generations in the WW2, also represents those tragically generations in the Cold War and also, Vietnam war. I know Tony called him “Manchurian Candidate”, but I think he was more closely resemble to those soldiers who fought in Vietnam war in 1970s than Sergeant Shaw. I cried for that. (It was quite satirical because I see Captain America is the one who can easily be Manchurian Candidate, not the Winter Soldier.)
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Winter Soldier was a deadly weapon for over 70 years. But with only a simple word “Bucky”, there was something inside the Winter Soldier woke up. For the first time, I saw the weapon opened his mouth, questioned his boss: “The man on the bridge, who was he?” For the first time, I saw some quite strong feelings expressed in his eyes. “But I knew him”, he repeated over and over. And that was the moment when I realised the Winter Soldier was never an inanimate weapon, they just made him believe that.
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If we take a close look at the Soldier eyes in many scenes in Captain America 2, we can see his eyes were watery. It was so subtle of Sebastian’s performance.
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There are 3 levels of human awareness, the conscious, the preconscious and the unconscious. But we just simply imagine our awareness as a tree, which roots is the unconscious mind and the tree we see is the conscious mind. The roots are hidden beneath the ground. These are all of our feelings, thoughts, urges and memories, which keep influence our conscious and behavior and experience. And so, what the brain washing machine did was cutting down this tree, drilling deep down into the earth to effect the roots. But there was something deep down in Bucky’s soul that they couldn’t delete no matter what. This “thing” would never die, and no matter how many times the tree was cut down, it would feed the new seed, and the seed would grow. And that why they had to put the Winter Soldier in the cryo, prevent him from living as a human being, and kept erasing his mind from time to time. His living wills was too strong. His soul was too strong.
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If those “goddamned words” were the psychological suggestion to turn on “Winter Soldier mode”, then so does the name “Bucky”, to turn on “Bucky Barnes mode”. I remember tons of stories about the importances and sanctity of a name. “Bucky” was something so important to the Winter Soldier that when he heard that from Steve, something changed. Something had grown up from the ground. You only be “someone”, when you have a name. “Bucky” was the key to the freedom of his soul, which the Soldier desperately kept trying to find. The Winter Soldier was never an inanimate weapon, and now he found his name – his identity as a human being.
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In the Civil War, Bucky’s life in Romania only lasted for a few minutes, but for me it was hilarious. That was the Winter Soldier who swore that he would never ever kill anyone. The Winter Soldier who had found his identity as a human being, in exchange, had to face his nightmares every night. I’m sure since then he rarely had a goodnight sleep and was always fear of being watched. But still, he struggled to remember more. He went to the museum, to learn more about Captain America, Steve Rogers, and Sergeant James Barnes. Sad thing is, he knew he could never be James Barnes anymore after all the things he had done in the past, so that he called himself “Bucky”. “My name is Bucky”, he claimed. Not James. And he had his notebooks, in which he wrote everything in his mind to remember things, maybe happy memories, maybe terrifying memories, or maybe just daily routines details. This man’s living will was so strong and his courage that rocked me to my core. Not everyone can be brave enough to face their traumas and take the step forward.
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The camera only skimmed through his Romanian apartment only a few second, but wasn’t it so cozy? The Soldier was living in fear of being watched and being killed, so that he prepared to leave anytime. But still, his apartment was too cozy for a shelter. This was definitely not a shelter. There were thousands of amazing little cutie things in this apartment that made this place a home.
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This man understands the value of life and enjoys life and be grateful for living. He is a survivor.
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I will save this file and put it somewhere I can easily find, so that one day, whenever I feel upset, Bucky Barnes will give me courage to face all my problems.
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(I’m wondering why the hell I wrote this in English)

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